Oh Jackson, you crack me up...

I am tired. The kind of tired where your whole body aches and your emotions are too close to the surface. We are finalizing the move. We're so close. And yet there are moments when it feels like we've been moving for-ever. Here is a breakdown of our timeline.

March: Begin House hunting
Find the house of our dreams
Put an offer in
After some wheeling and dealing, we were under contract!
Give notice to our Apt. complex, Peace out :)

April 16th: Close on the house

April 23rd: Begin painting

Late April/Early May: Begin the moving process

May 15th: The big MOVE!

Since then we have been enjoying life in the new house and slowly getting the apartment ready to turn in the keys by May 31st.

Needless to say things like blogging and everyday life have taken a backseat to the move. For example My Dad gave me a lovely arrangement of flowers for Mother's Day. Anyone who knows me understands what a risk this is...The only things I have successfully kept alive are Jackson and Hunter, lol.

So, as we were sitting down to dinner one night Jackson looked at my sad (and dead) Mother's Day bouquet and said,

"Poor little flower. You never even had a chance."

So true.

He also told me this story,

"Mommy, yesterday when we were playing outside I saw a dead baby bunny. Poor little guy. It looked like he had been in a car accident."

I told him, "Perhaps he should have been wearing his seat belt"

Yep, that kid cracks me up.

Will they ever know?

Guilt is just a part of Motherhood. I understand that more everyday. And trust me, nobody does guilt like I do. My heart holds onto guilt like it's the missing link in my DNA. And therefore I was made to be a Mother. I worry about these boys every day.

Are they getting enough to eat?
Will they grow up to be kind and respectful?
Will they fall in with the right crowd?
Should I really let them eat that cookie?

It runs the gamut. From the silly to the intense. Take today for example. I had my bi-monthly Mother Of Preschoolers (MOPS) meeting. Hunter goes into a nursery school type of class. He does not enjoy this time apart. He cries from the instant we turn into the parking lot until the moment the teacher pries him out of my arms. For awhile, things had gotten better. Our goodbye scene was a little less dramatic. But today, Hunter decided to pull out all the stops.

He sobbed. He clung to me as if his life depended on my presence. He screamed after me as I walked away. The wonderful teachers even called me ten minutes later to tell me that he had finally stopped crying, but was now sitting at the table with his head in his hands softly crying for "Mommy."

Will he ever know? Will he know that I went straight upstairs to the bathroom and had my own version of a meltdown. I sat in the bathroom and cried. I cried for my baby and the way that he was hurting. I cried because no matter how hard I try, I can not protect him or his brother from the many hurts in life. Even if they are as simple as being separated for two hours.

I am not sure if Hunter or Jackson will ever really know how often I have lay awake at night feeling guilty for my actions and words that day. Or how often I have lifted them up in prayer. Maybe someday when they have babies of their own they will know. But, I'm not sure even then...Because like I said, nobody does guilt like I do.

Motherhood...It's not for sissies.

By the way, our story has a happy ending. I got the best hug ever when I picked Hunter up. I'm not even sure Bon Jovi ever received such a welcome. And in that moment, I know that those are the blessings that make all the worry worthwhile.

The day that wouldn't end...

I have had a crazy couple of days...I'm sure some of you have noticed that I failed miserably at my attempt to blog daily for two weeks. Perhaps I should have picked a better time in our lives. But, really? When will be a better time when you are raising two wild childs (I mean loving little boys)?

Today started out crazy. I should know when that happens that I should just stay in bed. Nana called to tell me that she had spent the night throwing up. Thankfully, her retirement community was able to step in and give her a shot for the nausea. That saved me from having to bring Hunter into the mix. As I write, she is feeling some better. I'm so hopeful that it was just a bug and that the worst is behind her.

Of course, our phone call set us back in our morning routine. We were running late leaving for school. Jackson does not like to be late. Jackson blames me when we are late. Because, in case you missed the memo I am his mother and everything bad that happens to him is my fault. I wish I was kidding. God bless Jackson and his dramatics. They may be the end of me.

After I dropped Jackson off (NOT late, thankyouverymuch) I decided that Hunter and I needed a break. So, I took my ball of blond fluff to a Tropical Smoothie date. I love smoothies because they trick Hunter into drinking things he would normally turn his nose up at...Today, I got pomegranate, strawberries, and cranberries in him! Love it! It was a nice time and by far the most relaxing part of our day.

Our school system allows the kids to get out early on Wednesdays to allow teachers an afternoon planning period. I love this for the sake of the teachers. And I love having an afternoon to spend with Jackson, but I have to be honest, it throws a real kink in our schedule. Hello, nap time?

Then Jackson had swim lessons (He is coming along so well! I watched with glee as he dove under the water just like a fish! Something he would have never dared to attempt even a week ago) I am so proud of him and he is proud of himself...That matters so much to me! I want him to have pride in himself..it will keep him outta trouble, lol!

After swim lessons we were onto haircuts for the boys. Then home for homework and off to soccer practice. By the time we drove the 20 minutes to the field (long enough for Hunter to fall asleep in the car, refer to the no nap Wednesday) a storm had blown in. Practice had to be called on account of lightening.

So, all that for nothing. A sleeping baby a grumpy seven year old, and a husband that worked a 13 hour day.

Did I mention we're moving this week? Yep, good times.

Our place in this world

We are in the process of moving. It's bittersweet. Of course, it's wonderful because we are so excited to be in our new house. But, at the same time this is the only home we have ever known as a family. This is where Matt and I lived as newlyweds. This is where we brought our babies home. I can still remember pulling into the parking lot with 2 day old Jackson in the car. Now, I watch him bound up the stairs. It's defintely surreal.

But, it's time. The boys need a yard. And we need a space to call our own. And the tax credit didn't hurt either, lol. While I know that we will have many years to make memories in the new house, it will be sad to close the door on this chapter of our lives. But, I know that with the closing of one chapter begins the journey of another.

By the way, how in the world did we get so much stuff? And why do I feel the need to bring it with us?

Stop cursing, Damn it!

Let me start by saying that most of the time Matt and I are pretty good about watching our mouth. Neither of us really does much cursing...but of the two of us he definitely has more slip-ups. Regardless we're works in progress.

Painting the new house was quite the project. I choose to paint the dining room a bright red. It's really quite beautiful, but the red paint just about drove Matt crazy. It was all well and good until we started to pull the tape off. And the red paint came with it. Yeah, good times. That is where Hunter picked up the phrase, "Damn it". Thank you, honey. As if that weren't bad enough Hunter doesn't just say it once, he says it over and over again.

Just like he did today when we were visiting my Grandmother. In her retirement community. In the public Cafe. To another resident. Is it all starting to come clear? Yep, my little Rock star told another one of the residents,

"Damn it. Damn it. Damn it."

It was painfully obvious what he had said. To her, to me, to everyone within earshot. But, still she asked me, "What did he say?". My answer....

"I have no idea. But, my husband might."

Baby Shoes

I love shoes. And I love babies. Put them together and I am in my element. I bought my first pair of baby shoes when I was sixteen. I didn't have a baby for another seven years, lol. They are a pair of tiny pink Weeboks. . I have two sons, they have gone completely unused.

I always imagined having a daughter and putting them on her. Confession alert...Both of my boys have sported the pink shoes in the privacy of their own crib, Matt has no idea. But, I don't have a little girl. I probably never will. And that is okay with me. God will bring my daughters to me in a different way. They will come to me through our sons in the form of a daughter-in-law. I already pray for those young women. But sadly, they will already be out of the pink Weebok phase by the time they come into my life. So, I'm back to my dilema...what to do with these little shoes.

About a year ago, my best friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I hemmed and hawed about the shoes. Maybe I should pass them on. My friend's daughter would look precious in them. I even got them out the night before her baby shower prepared to wrap them up. I sat in my closet holding the little pink shoes and the tears began to fall. Matt came in to find me (have I mentioned what a good and patient man he is) and he understood the problem. He told me that those shoes have come a long way with me, they might as well stay in the family. I am so thankful for him and the way that he gets me.

I love having two little boys. I love their honesty, their resilience, their sense of humor. I'm even starting to cringe a little less when one of them laughs at bathroom humor. I love my life. But somehow I can't close the door on the Weeboks. Maybe someday I will have granddaughters. I know they will look good in pink ;)

Sometimes Mom needs the lesson....

I am not a fan of grocery shopping. I am definitely not a fan of grocery shopping with the boys by myself. In fact, since Hunter was born, Matt and I have made it a family sport. It works for us.

But, sometimes we find ourselves short of certain items that can't wait...Milk, bread, cereal. Items that don't require a family trip. And so, I go. I venture out into the great unknown of Food Lion. Just me and my boys.

I'm not going to lie. I bribe them. Animal crackers, juice boxes. Skittles. I'm not above it. And usually we do pretty well. But, the other day I had to make a quick grocery run and I had an epic fail. Things were going smoothly, until we came upon...(insert Twilight Zone music) The Cereal Aisle. Every Mother's worst nightmare. Boxes upon boxes of sugary goodness promising trinkets in every box. That is where we came upon the Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

The box boasted a Shrek water squirting tox inside just waiting to be claimed. I gave in and said we could get a box. Then came the kicker. They each wanted one. Of course, two children, two toys. The only problem was we didn't need two boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Lord knows we didn't need one. So, I decided they could share the toy inside the box. I decided I would teach them a lesson. The lesson that sharing is not the worst thing that can happen to two brothers. That we can take something and make the best of it.

Here is the problem with that...When we got home they opened the box. And of course, the toy was ridiculous. Tiny and half working. And of course, they had to battle over it. Our box contained "Donkey" the character made famous by Eddie Murphy. And I stood there watching them. Take turns squirting each other with water, exemplifing the lesson that I had wanted them to get. That's when it hit me. Maybe sometimes I need the lesson. The lesson needs to be that sometimes it's okay to be silly, okay to buy two boxes because that means twice the toy.

Wouldn't it have been wonderful to watch them tear into their respective boxes and watch them squeal with joy over which character they got? Then enjoy having a front row seat to their water fight? Maybe sometimes the lesson is Mom says yes. The lesson is even if we don't need two boxes of cereal, we do need two toys for two very special little boys.

I hope that in the future I can see the moments when these little boys have more to teach me than I have to teach them. That is my prayer.