I did something today that I’m not proud of and I hurt a
friend. I got caught up in a moment of
gossip and got caught talking about a friend behind her back. I instantly felt like crap. My heart was beating so fast. I felt that
instant pit in your stomach when you’ve done something wrong and worse yet, you’ve
been caught with your hand in the proverbial cookie jar. I did the only thing I could think of, I
started blowing up my friend’s phone until she answered. I confessed my sins. She hadn’t gotten word of my betrayal yet,
but she will. Perhaps there is some
comfort in that it she won’t be blind sided in the moment, but it certainly
doesn’t make me feel any better. I
screwed up. I hurt someone who didn’t deserve to be hurt. And for what, a moment of girl talk-not worth
it. We live in an age of celebrated Mean
Girls. We say we don’t apologize for who
we are; we are kicking butt and taking names.
Except today, I was a mean girl.
And the only thing I could do over and over was apologize.
I didn’t like who I was in that moment. And if I’m honest, I can’t say I’ve liked who
I’ve been in the last few months.
Perhaps I’m little too quick with the joke, a little too fast on the
side eye, a lifetime too fast on the judgment.
And as I sit here now, with nothing but blank paper staring back at me,
all I can do is cry. And I know there’s
value in tears. They are holy and
clean. They wash away the sins of
yesterday (and maybe even today). But,
these tears aren’t only for me. They
are for the woman that I want to be; they are for the friend I hurt, they are
for the God I so dearly love and serve and disappointed.
I don’t know if my friend will forgive me. She said that she did. But, I can’t say I blame her if she never
forgets. Life is funny that way. In a moment’s time, I broke a bond. And I can’t seem-for the life of me-to figure
out why? But, my friend is an amazing
woman, one I’m lucky to know and have in my life. I hope that we’ll find ourselves back on
track, but only time will tell.
I guess what I’m saying, by putting this out there in the
grand wide world of the inter webs is, people are flawed. We are so desperately far from perfect-BUT,
we can’t stop trying. I’m going to spend
a little less time trying to be like the image of the world and a little more
time trying to be like the image of the Heavens. Maybe that will mean a little less time with my
phone in my hands and a lot more time with my hands folded in prayer. Maybe it’ll mean a little less time scrolling
facebook and a lot more time strolling with my children.
I didn’t like who I saw in the mirror today. Guess who can change that? Me.
