Will they ever know?

Guilt is just a part of Motherhood. I understand that more everyday. And trust me, nobody does guilt like I do. My heart holds onto guilt like it's the missing link in my DNA. And therefore I was made to be a Mother. I worry about these boys every day.

Are they getting enough to eat?
Will they grow up to be kind and respectful?
Will they fall in with the right crowd?
Should I really let them eat that cookie?

It runs the gamut. From the silly to the intense. Take today for example. I had my bi-monthly Mother Of Preschoolers (MOPS) meeting. Hunter goes into a nursery school type of class. He does not enjoy this time apart. He cries from the instant we turn into the parking lot until the moment the teacher pries him out of my arms. For awhile, things had gotten better. Our goodbye scene was a little less dramatic. But today, Hunter decided to pull out all the stops.

He sobbed. He clung to me as if his life depended on my presence. He screamed after me as I walked away. The wonderful teachers even called me ten minutes later to tell me that he had finally stopped crying, but was now sitting at the table with his head in his hands softly crying for "Mommy."

Will he ever know? Will he know that I went straight upstairs to the bathroom and had my own version of a meltdown. I sat in the bathroom and cried. I cried for my baby and the way that he was hurting. I cried because no matter how hard I try, I can not protect him or his brother from the many hurts in life. Even if they are as simple as being separated for two hours.

I am not sure if Hunter or Jackson will ever really know how often I have lay awake at night feeling guilty for my actions and words that day. Or how often I have lifted them up in prayer. Maybe someday when they have babies of their own they will know. But, I'm not sure even then...Because like I said, nobody does guilt like I do.

Motherhood...It's not for sissies.

By the way, our story has a happy ending. I got the best hug ever when I picked Hunter up. I'm not even sure Bon Jovi ever received such a welcome. And in that moment, I know that those are the blessings that make all the worry worthwhile.