Anxiety Girl, reporting for duty.

I have a confession.  Ever since I watched the movie “Inside Out” with the kids, I feel so validated in my internal emotional struggles.  Like, I can’t help my crazy; there really are several versions of me up there doing battle.  But, instead of joy and anger and disgust, I feel like the greatest struggles in my head take place between my heart and my brain.  Take last night for example.  Charlotte had called out for me around 3 am.  She needed a drink.  (P.S. I’ve been getting up with kids for a solid 13 years.  Do you understand the coffee addiction now?)  Anyway, back to the story.  So, I got Char her drink and she asked me to lay with her.  She then snuggled in until we were literally nose to nose.  And fell asleep. 

                                         

I laid there and thought, how sweet.  She is so dear to me.  I love being this important to somebody.  And then it got kind of hard to breathe and the cute started to wear off.  Then, Heart decided to start doing what it does best-worry.

Heart: What if she didn’t fall asleep?  What if we are laying here breathing in each other’s face and she actually got carbon monoxide poisoning and isn’t actually sleeping, but instead has slipped into a coma?  ((Alarm bells start to sound.  Death con five.  Must wake baby)).

Brain: Umm, Heart?  I think you’re a little confused.  We actually exhale carbon DIoxide, not MONoxide.  And goodness gracious, a coma?  You need to relax.  You’re going to kill us.

Heart: You’re right, Brain.  I’m so sorry.  But, hey, while I’ve got you here-she fell on the playground earlier.  Is it possible that it’s not safe for her to sleep because of a head injury?  And also, I read earlier where some woman was concerned about her daughter’s college dorms not locking.  Should we obsess over that for a few?

Brain:  Heart? 

Heart:  Yes?

Brain: Go to sleep.

I feel ya, girl...Judging me, that is...

Parenthood is a tremendous blessing.  It is an answered prayer.  It is the greatest gift of my life.  But, lawd have mercy, this stuff ain’t for the faint of heart.

Today I was standing at the back door, watching the kids play in the backyard with some neighborhood buddies.  The man who lives directly behind us came out to walk his dog.  I saw him staring at the raucous situation that is my everyday life.  And I felt it; the judging.  My kids were running too fast.  My kids were yelling too loud.  They were throwing the ball too far.  And honestly, I couldn’t disagree.  But, what I could offer is a request for some compassion.

I’ve often heard it said that someone is an excellent parent before they have children, and good grief, doesn’t that ring true.  I think about how I said I’d never let my child have a pacifier past a year old (Hunter was three).  I think about how I said I’d never let my child sleep with me (Jackson finally got the boot in first grade).  I remember my lectures on nutrition and moderation (Char picked out gummy bears AND a lollipop at Target this morning and I didn’t bat an eye).  It’s just different when you’re actually the one walking in the shoes you just knew you’d wear so well.  It becomes less about proving a point and more about survival.

I think about how everyone you meet is a parenting expert.  But, you know what, I’d never think of sitting up in the middle of an operation and telling my surgeon how he or she might better execute that stitch.  I would never dream of swinging by Jiffy Lube and asking if I might be of any help to the technician changing my oil.  And, guess what, my children’s teachers are MORE than qualified to do their jobs without even so much as a whisper of advice from me.  That’s right; we leave the experts alone to do their jobs.  But, as soon as we pass a child in a grocery store throwing a tantrum, we know best.  And God forbid that mother or father not look like they are having the time of their lives, cause then we have to hit them with the “you’re gonna miss this” lecture that everyone so enjoys hearing. 

Y’all parenting is hard.  It just is, and that is okay.  Because as a blogger I love to follow says, we can do hard things.  But, you know what advice I’d like to offer my neighbor and all of the judging eyes of the world, how about you stay on your side of the fence, and I’ll stay on mine.

Y'all need Jesus. And Costco.

I love Costco.  It’s no great secret.  I love their cakes, I love their pot pies, I love their 500 count boxes of fruit snacks.  Good things come from the land of Costco.  I also love Jesus.  And I think He would love Costco.  In fact, I think the love and salvation Jesus offers is a lot like Costco. Hang on; follow me down this rabbit hole, won’t you?

Costco has great prices already.  And yet, they send you coupons each month.  Coupons, people.  Do you know how much I love a good deal?  It’s mind boggling.  My dad jokes that I will try to pay for my funeral with a coupon.  He’s not wrong.  So, you can imagine my excitement of mail day when the Costco coupons roll in.  It’s a very good day. 

Last month, I was sitting down, flipping through the brochure and I noticed something that surprised me.  Cascade dish pods were on sale.  I had just bought them the Friday before so I was kind of bummed.   But, then, I was reading the fine print and I realized something; Costco had already given me the deal.  And yes, it said it right there, “Instant Savings, No coupon needed”. 

People, this is life changing information.  Costco said, don’t worry about fussing with bringing anything to our store.  We’ve got you.  They said, we know that your mind is cluttered with nonsense, but we care about you as a customer, we want you to experience the savings just like everyone else.

Oh, my friends.  That is just like Jesus.  God calls us to a higher purpose.  And all that He asks is that we show up. He doesn’t require us to remember a coupon book, or a membership card.  He’s got us.  All we have to do is say YES.  Yes, we want to be a member of that great big box store in the sky.  Yes, we want to experience the benefits of belonging to a family that looks out for each other and offers a lifetime of “saving”, if you will.  Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, and He doesn’t even make you bring a coupon.  That’s right, y’all, He might even be better than Costco. 

But, there better be cake in Heaven. 

A green paint kinda day

This morning Charlotte found an old wooden bird house that we had been given as a gift.  It came with its own set of paint and paintbrush, and bless her, she carried that brush around all day.  She must have asked me a hundred times if it was time to paint yet.  You see, having another crafter in the house is all new to me.  For the most part, the boys could care less.  So, this birdhouse has probably lived with us for several years just waiting for an artist to claim it, and claim it she did. 

Finally, as I realized that the day was slipping away from us, I pulled out the newspaper and helped her get to painting.  I didn’t pay much attention to what she was doing, as the boys were watching a movie and I was trying to be in two places at once.  But, eventually she declared that she was done.  Now, I could rave about her art skills, but she’s two and I’m not a very reliable judge.  Safe to say, it’s a masterpiece to me, and a “nailed it” to the rest of the pinterest loving world, haha. 

It wasn’t until I was in the bathroom helping her wash her hands that I  saw the  real masterpiece.  You see, her hands were covered in green paint.  Yet, there was no green in the set-only red, blue, and yellow.  She had taken what I had given her and she made it better.  I think that is such a beautiful metaphor for motherhood.  I’m always so proud of the gifts that I see in my children.  And I love when I see a trait or a characteristic that I recognize as coming from me or their father.  But, truly, what a gift to see them possess something that is a beauty all their own. 

Yep, I didn’t give her green paint.  But, she found a way to make it on her own.  I hope her life is 

filled with green paint moments and that I’m around to hang them up on my virtual refrigerator.  

I guess this is why you have two parents...

We took the kiddos up to Water Country on Monday. We made our usual loop around the park before arriving at everyone's favorite destination, Hubba Hubba Highway (long lazy river with lots of fun water spraying "obstacles"). I had Charlotte while Matt played tag and chase with the boys. I was careful to shield her from the water sprayers, weaving from side to side to avoid anything that seemed like it might upset her or be dangerous. We had fun and each time we would come around the loop, she would say, "Sprayers" and duck her head into my chest. I was so proud of her and so happy she'd learned to avoid the water.

About halfway through, Matt and I traded places and I moved up to be with the boys. We continued to play and mostly, I tried to keep up. After a few minutes, I decided to make my way back a few steps and wait for Matt and Char. Eventually, I saw them coming. Actually, I heard them coming. Matt had picked C up and was holding her up so that she could "high five" the sprayers. And, she was loving every minute of it. They also made their way through the "dangerous" row of dumping coconuts by laughing at the splashes they made in the water.

And as I stood there, in the middle of Water Country with hundreds of people passing by me, I felt my breath catch. I was teaching Charlotte how to be safe, how to stay alive in dangerous situations. But, Matt, well, Matt was teaching her how to live.

You take the good, you take the bad....I hope you're now singing The Facts of Life.

I love to lay next to Charlotte as she's falling asleep at night. I love to watch her as the day slips away and peace overtakes her beautiful face. I am always overcome. She is my daughter. My family. And her brothers. They are the legacy I ached for, the healing balm on my wounds of years past. But, here's the thing. They are mine when they're beautiful and they're mine when they're slightly less so. If they're mine when they're peaceful, they must be mine when they're mouthing off and when they're running through the Dollar Tree pretending to ride a parrot balloon. We belong to each other. The good, the bad and the ugly. 

Maybe that's what I want my children to know, most of all. That it's easy to claim someone when times are good. But, when all the chips are down. (Like, literally, when they've pulled all the chips down off of the shelves at Target) that's when you must be able to say, Yes, she is mine. I'm here for her.  

Family shows up. 

More to the story...

The world is a scary place. 

Add in the heart of a mother and it's downright terrifying. 

I battle with anxiety. Sometimes I take meds for it. Sometimes I grit my teeth and cry. But, no matter what the solution, it is always a struggle. 

I also suffer from panic attacks. They are like anxiety's BFF that you never really liked, but can't seem to ditch. And, they always pay a visit at the worst time possible. 

Like, when you're standing in the checkout line at Walmart. And, oh, perhaps your daughter has wandered about ten feet away and you're trying to put stuff up on the conveyor belt and keep an eye on her and make sure to catch the cashier so that he can price match an item before it's too late. Yep, that was me yesterday. 

It was all too much. I started to sweat. I could feel the voices start up in my head...

"She's too far away. Someone could just come by and grab her and be gone. You'd never be able to catch them. You can barely even jog. And, then some stranger would have your baby and it would all be your fault."

But, Char really wasn't too far away. She was really only testing her wings. And, I want her to have fun. I don't want to put my crazy on to her. I don't want her to live in fear. So, I told the voices to pipe down. But, they never do...

"That's fine. But, any minute now, someone could walk right up and then she's gone forever. And, God only knows what they would do to her..."

I was almost in tears. But, then a friendly looking couple with an older son walked up behind me. A stranger between us was enough to send Charlotte scampering back to my side. We struck up a conversation. Mostly about babies with no hair and the Princess's pants. Ruffles are always a good conversation starter. And, I began to relax. 

Then, just as we were leaving, the lady spoke up, "Wait, you forgot her nightlight."

Oh no, I replied. She was just playing with that to keep her occupied. 

"Could I buy it for her? I'd love to but something girly and something for such a cute little lady."

There are no words to describe how greatly my heart was moved. Here I am, imagining the monsters of the world and God sends me an angel. 

Take that, voices.